Who needs a hug? 

Getting suspended from school used to be cool, man. It was a sign of badassery to get kicked out for a couple of days because you were naughty, but thanks to SB 274, schools are now prohibited from suspending students based on simple "willful defiance" including poor attendance and talking back to teachers. Sheesh! Thanks, California. You just made it harder for kids to earn their tough-guy stripes.

click to enlarge

I get it. It's not going to punish perpetually truant students to tell them they're being suspended for not coming to class. "Oh, boohoo. I will so miss Algebra, not!"

Surely, kids don't learn anything from being sent home to play videogames and watch TV all day, or worse, hang out with the dropouts and smoke pot and shoplift, but how else are you supposed to correct a bad behavior if you can't threaten to kick students out of school? Well, the Paso Robles Joint Unified School District (PRJUSD) has a plan, and not just any plan. It's got three tiers!

Tier one includes resources for all students like school-wide assemblies, ribbon weeks, and classroom lessons for signs of suicide. "It will get better. There's life after high school." Tier two is for the 15 percent of really jerky students including alternative learning environments and student reflection. "Think about what you've done. Shame!" Tier three for the 5 percent of true assholes includes community service and loss of privileges. "Wear this orange vest and pick up trash, punk."

Maybe it's working. Since implementing Operation Tiers not Tears (Yeah, I just made that up), the PRJUSD has seen fewer students suspended, from 428 suspensions in the 2018-19 school year to 217 in 2023-24. Of course, not everyone believes the new system works. PRJUSD board member and formerly ousted and then reinstated board member and perpetual grump Kenney Enney said, "My thesis is the less you punish the more likely the behavior is going to increase." He didn't say bring back corporal punishment, but I bet he'd consider it. Good luck and Godspeed, Paso!

Speaking of grumpy booties, you're a mean one, Ms. Grinch. Yeah, I'm talkin' 'bout you, Claudia Worthen, cofounder of Beautify Cambria and 38-year Cambria resident who appealed the permit approved by the SLO County Planning Commission that gave a 15-year operating extension to the Cambria Christmas Market. Worthen claims the market's growth—read popularity and success—has "[eroded] the magic and sacredness of the holiday time of year."

Bah humbug! Somebody's heart is two sizes too small.

The seasonal market hosted by Cambria Pines Lodge and run by Pacific Cambria LLC operates from Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) through Dec. 31, and non-Christmas-haters freakin' love it! Tons of vendors and products, a massive light display, Christmas carols, Santa, train rides, live music, a biergarten—what's not to love?

Well, Worthen's got a list. She accuses the market of noise, light, and air pollution code violations. And the traffic? Don't get her started! Plus, she accused Pacific Cambria LLC of cutting down trees without a permit, which she knows is true because a neighbor told her.

According to Dave Watson, a planner with Pacific Cambria LLC, the company is NOT guilty of all charges. The company monitors sound levels to assure it complies with the law. They've never removed a tree without a permit, only trimmed branches to protect buildings. They've hired a professional traffic company to direct traffic, and they've coordinated with the county to schedule shuttles from various areas in Cambria, including Moonstone Beach. They've also limited ticket sales to the market to 3,000 per day.

Yeah, but what about Cambria's notoriously precarious water supply, eh? All these market attendees are going to use toilets even though the market brings in porta-potties.

"One hundred twenty thousand people coming through in six weeks," Worthen exclaimed. "I mean, it's impossible for that not to impact our water supply and our air and the wear and tear on the roads, and all the things that go along with that. If I have a chance to use a toilet, I will use a toilet. They have them so anybody can walk into the [Cambria Pines Lodge] and go use the toilet. The vendors are going to use the toilet. The extra help that they hire over the holiday season is going to use the toilets. The normal people who work, they're going to use the toilet."

I admit, given the choice between a porta-potty and an actual bathroom, I'd go for the bathroom. I'd also go get dinner somewhere in Cambria, visit some local shops and an art gallery or two, maybe get a drink from Mozzi's Saloon. Cambria thrives on tourism, and tourists use bathrooms. Is this really your best argument, Claudia who prefers bathrooms over porta-potties?

Unsurprisingly, the SLO County Board of Supervisors summarily and unanimously denied Worthen's appeal, but she ain't done yet, baby, not by a long shot. Next up, she plans to bring her Festivus-like Airing of Grievances to the California Coastal Commission. Somebody's got a bee in her bonnet.

After you're done saving Cambria from Christmas, might I draw your attention to the fact that Spirit Halloween opened in SLO's Madonna Plaza Shopping Center in August. August! Δ

The Shredder wants some damn cheer shoved in everyone's faces. Do something about it at [email protected].